That’s what I’m feeling this week – weak. I feel like I am not measuring up and that the circumstances in my life are too much for me to handle. I feel like it is in moments like this when God works the most on my heart. I feel like he sits back and watches – watches me fumble, trying to fix things, trying to make things better – and waits. He waits for me to break down. I know what you’re thinking – this is a good thing? This is the God that you talk so highly about. Just watching and waiting while you flounder. And the answer is yes. A loud, tear-filled, defeated yes. God does not force Himself on us. He knows that someone won’t change unless they want to. He waits until we are ready to ask for help. And then puts his arms around you and says what took so long?
I know I posted about it last week, but my work situation has me very stressed out. I am still battling my own worries and am constantly reminding myself to give it to God. But I am terrible at letting go. If I don’t have my hand in everything, then I’m afraid it’s not going to be done right. If I don’t have everything figured out, then nothing is going to happen. Dramatic, right? I have been up for hours every night just going through everything I need to do. Conversations I need to have. Possible scenarios for how those conversations will go. Asking God for wise words, kind instruction, and grace when interacting with others. I get so worked up, that I lose focus of what’s important. I forget (again) that life’s about people and not tasks. I get so caught up in what’s ahead that I miss the right now.
I feel this same way when I think about Carter. It’s so easy to get caught up in the duties of a special needs parent. The therapies, the doctor’s appointments, the diet issues, the bowel issues, the supplements, the medicines, the IEPs, the sleep issues, the childcare issues, etc, etc, etc. I worry about what his future will look like – will he be able to do daily living skills, will he live on his own, will he drive a car, will he graduate from high school, will he go to college, will he have friends, will he have a girlfriend, etc, etc, etc. It is so easy to lost sight of your own child. To miss his every day. I try to focus on the season of life that we’re in. I try to read a book or take a walk or play at the park or ride his scooter or play under the covers or sing a song or wrestle or tickle. Even when I’m tired from working and not sleeping the night before. My son should get the best of me.
I felt God pulling me to this verse. And as I read it, tears came instantly. I don’t have to be strong all the time. And I thank God for that. It’s exhausting. God grants me grace, even when I won’t give it to myself. My life is not about showing everyone how strong I am, but how strong God is. It’s about giving praise to God. About letting others know that all that I am, all that I have, and all that I am capable of is a reflection of God in my life. I would never be able to do this alone. Never. I wouldn’t want to. I’m thankful for a God who takes those weaknesses and turns them into a demonstration of His power. So I will shout gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. Then I am strong.